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cuddle and breathe

23 April 2014

I found these two fortunes in my desk during the deep clean of the house and they seemed almost too relevant to be true. I have no recollection of what they're from- how long ago the Chinese food they came with was eaten in our abode- but, I know that when they were acquired I did not foresee the mayhem that our home would be for the last six months. Nor did I anticipate the relief of it coming back together- oh the sweet, deep breath of relief!

As of last week the stairs are carpeted and cozy- a quick fix to a real eye-sore- and they have provided the most surprising addition to our routine. Jake loves sitting on the stairs now and the animals come running to him when he gets home, all vying for his attention. Even Layla joins the gang- our poor cat who turned into a troll during the construction, living under the stairs and only coming out at night, is part of the family again. All three animal babes cuddle and wrestle with Jake, still in his work clothes. I imagine I'll place a newborn on top of the pile one of these days- one more babe to greet him after work.

We got some 'eh' news at Jake's monthly infusion yesterday. Not bad news, per say, but not good news either. Slightly disconcerting neutral news, I guess. We left the neurologist's office, Jake took my hand, and I was thankful for a reminder that every stinkin' day is a gift. Believe in miracles. Cuddle on freshly carpeted stairs. Take a deep breath. 

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dear baby // week 38

18 April 2014


Dear baby,

Well honey, we are ready for you. Our house is a home again and your room even has the tiniest little diapers waiting for you. Last night daddy and I ate dinner at our table together for the first time in months and he thanked God once again for all the hands that have built and cleaned our home in preparation for your arrival. There is a really incredible family waiting out here for you- a community excited to love you- and they love tangibly, actively.  I am so grateful that you will have them to learn from and laugh with.

I'll be honest, carrying you has started to get a little uncomfortable this week. I love it- don't get me wrong- and I love being connected to you. I will be so very sad to have this time end and I will mourn the loss of this intimacy. But, I think every phase is important both in itself and in its preparation for the next one, and I'm starting to feel prepared for the next phase baby- laboring for you, meeting you and holding you. I feel as if I'm in limbo, wondering every day if this is the day you will join us. It is a crazy thing to be in waiting for- waiting for you to change the rest of our lives.

I can't say enough how deeply grateful I am though baby: for you, for the chance to be your mom, to see Jake as your dad, for the immense ways we have been cared for over the past nine months. I have never been so humbled. Maybe that is why I'm feeling more ready for your arrival too: I know we have only gotten to a place of being prepared because of the love and labor of our dearest family and friends, and now I know more than ever that as we learn how to be your parents, we will need to continue to depend on those around us.

I love you. Please stay safe and strong and come whenever you are ready. We are so excited to meet you.

Love, mom

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dear baby // week 37

10 April 2014

Dear baby,

This was the first week that I had significant moments of feeling like, okay, I'm ready to meet you. There is still much to be done in preparation for your arrival, but we are almost there and I'm nearly breathing a sigh of relief. Your Babah is coming to town on Sunday to save the day and help clean the house, top to bottom, before your arrival. Once that's done, you have my full blessing to get things going. I want to hold you in my arms and see your precious face. 

Almost every day I'm asked "what" we're having- people want to know if you're a boy or a girl- but this week someone asked me if I knew "who" we were having. I think she meant it as a gender question too, but it got me thinking all the more about you. I don't know who we're having, but I'm in awe of you already and I get lost imaging all you will be. I look in my rear view mirror at your car seat and picture you sleeping there or, better yet, gazing back at me. I wonder if you'll like the song I'm listening to and think about how differently we will spend our days once you are here. What a summer it will be, little one.

Yet, I don't want to rush this time. I know that every moment of this process is important and even in this longing to meet you I'm grateful to pause and reflect that it will be so sad for this time together to end. We are connected. So deeply, intimately connected. Just for a little while longer, you are mine. Soon I'll have to start the real process of mothering- letting you go and helping you become your own person, sharing you with the world. 

I love you.

Love, mom
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