Happy Bacony Day!


20 November 2014

Our birthdays were dreamy. I don't just think so due to the 103° temp I sported in the late hours which ended my birthday (helloooo sick day). We've been together for 5 years and I think this was the first November 17 & 18 that we did really well. Having back-to-back birthdays can be difficult. Celebrating one can take the wind out of the next. Expectations are doubled, one day on top of the other. Though, 5 years ago we did go to Vermont together for the very first time:

On second thought, maybe this was the first November 17 & 18 that we did really well since then.

This year, they were two separate days and no shared party- other than a very wonderful family dinner cooked by my mom and hosted at my sister's. No set up, clean up, or empty beer bottles. On Monday we went out to dinner with some of Jake's oldest and dearest friends. On Tuesday my mom, sister, and I all took the day off together and spent time hugging Alice, shopping, and having lunch at the Wenham Tea House.

I didn't realize until after the fact that exactly 10 years prior my mom had also taken the day off, driven to the North Shore just for me, and taken me to lunch at the very same Tea House for my 18th birthday. I was a freshman in college. Lots has changed, but some things- thank God- have not.
Left: A card from Katie and Artie to Jake. "Happy Bacony Day and Happy Bothday!"
Right: A note on the fridge to me from Jake. "...Alice said "mommy happy bday" in jibberish to me to tell you.

taking stock // 1


16 November 2014

making: Christmas gifts. Many down, many more to go, but we're on the home stretch (and thank goodness, because how many days until Christmas?).

drinking: Coffee. By the bucketful (I now sometimes, shamelessly, bring two travel mugs with me to work).

reading: Thanks to the recommendation of one of Alice's lovely sitters, I've taken to She Reads Truth and am enjoying the Hospitality series. Basically, it is a site of thoughtful, simple, quick-read devotional plans. Now, instead of trolling Facebook while I pump at work, I read an entry or two. More edifying, more challenging, less feeling stalker-ish. Win-win-win.

wanting: To be content! I'm trying not to want anything, honestly, though I was very much looking forward to the new purse my mom gave me for my birthday. Also, I could really use a haircut, but haircuts cost money and I've been assured my hair does not look as dopey as I feel it does.

watching: Parenthood. So good. I know I'm way behind the bandwagon on this one, what with it being Season SIX, but I just started watching this while I was out on maternity leave in the Spring and I hardly make it through an episode without crying.

listening: Mostly Johnny Cash and Mumford & Sons last week.

eating: Tasteeos with Alice (Market Basket brand Cheerios- hah!).

smelling: Wood fire smoke from our neighbors' chimneys. I love it.

wishing: That I could be with Alice all the time. She's so great.

enjoying: Walks in the woods. We live in such a beautiful area with so many trails where the pups can wander off leash and you can go for miles without seeing another soul.

loving: Our kitchen. Sitting at the table together, Alice in her highchair, the space warm from the stove, the house smelling of dinner.

hoping: That peace and contentment [continue to] prevail over anxiety and fear.

needing: To get all these Christmas gifts finished in time! Knitting takes FOREVER! Thank goodness that Linnie spent a Saturday helping me finish sewing projects.

feeling: Quiet. Life has taken an altogether different pace and it feels quiet. And good.

wearing: Linnie just gave me her Uniqlo jacket and I LOVE IT (similar to this one).

bookmarking: For the next time we end up in the Netherlands.

My body misses her.


13 November 2014

I frequently sing You Are My Sunshine to Alice- it feels like a tribute to this unique time we're in together:

The other night dear, while I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
When I awoke dear, I was mistaken
So I bowed my head and I cried

I am functionally sleep deprived and gratefully so. I know there will come a time when I'm no longer awake at all hours, dizzy with lack of sleep, oblivious and yet hyper-aware of the hour, having lost count of how many times I've laid down, only to get back up again. The few times I've slept through the night in the last six months, my eyes have shot open in the morning, confused that Alice is not beside me, momentarily terrified that something is wrong.

Here is a reality of motherhood that I'm learning a bit more every day: My body misses her. When I am up at all hours, I long for her to sleep, but when she does, I catch myself staying awake to stare at her. Not too long ago she was a part of me. Now, I spend my days praying in each breath that she stay safe and warm and loved every moment I cannot be attending to those needs myself.

You'll never know dear, how much I love you

So, I hold her in the wee hours. I revel that her head fits perfectly on my shoulder, that this time is ours alone. I sigh, relieved, when I feel her grip on my arm loosen, hear her breathing slow and deepen. But, once I've laid her down to sleep, I remain awake awhile, ears pricked to hear her small stirring. She needs me.

Oh, but more truly, I need her. My body misses her.

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